This week, in four days to be exact, I am getting on a plane and going back to Honduras. For the sixth time. Many of you know this. If you know me even a little bit, you probably know I love this nation. It comes up quickly in conversation, like mothers bringing up their children.
What do you enjoy doing?
Oh, I enjoy going to Honduras and anything having to do with Spanish or children.
Oh wow, that’s really cool. Why don’t you move there?
Well, I’ve tried to before, but it’s never been God’s timing.
I have had this conversation more times than I can count, and looking at it on paper makes my answer feel even weaker.
Why haven’t I just pushed through all the obstacles and moved there! Other people do it?! Why have I allowed my life to be ripped like a sheet in two complete halves? One in the USA, at home in Thomasville with my family, with the nice car and the white picket fence dream, and one in Honduras with dirty feet and a cotton skirt, surrounded by children, doing what I feel like I was born to do. Why. Why why why am I leading two different lives. In a few days I will be back in this place that feels like home to me, and I will drink up every moment there and probably ask God lots of questions. And then I will get on a plane and come back home, and wonder why I’m coming back and how long will I have to wait before I go back. And slowly, I will acclimate to life in the states agin, and my memories will dim and I will feel the pull of the so called American dream, and I will think, I would much rather be here. This is easy. This is safe. This is home.
And then the cycle will begin again.
So why am I telling you this? Why are you getting this open heart look at my life? Because I want you to know why I haven’t moved to Honduras and why it may be why you haven’t moved into that thing, whatever it is for you.
Quite simply, it’s not time.
There is nothing especially profound about this.
Someone asked me the other day why I’m still in Thomasville, and if I’m “ever going to leave.” As if leaving Thomasville is to be equated with success.
There is this underlying suspicion in our modern society of what success is. How much money we are supposed to have. What degree we should have. How many children we should have. What kind of car we should drive. Where we should work. What clothes we should wear. The list goes on. At times, I feel like I’m doing pretty well on this list, but most of the time I feel way off. My life doesn’t fit into a box, and I can’t seem to stuff it in one no matter how hard I try.
My life is not my own. I am not here for earthly success. I’ve known since I was a little girl, my life was not going to be like other people’s lives.
I listen to my Father, and He guides my steps.
He is not a tame lion.
I’ll go ahead and tell you right now, following Jesus makes for one adventurous life. I used to live for the five year plan, now I’m all about the tomorrow plan.
I don’t know why God has me here in Thomasville, working with mom, living at home at 24, but I know I’m in the right place. I don’t know why I love Honduras so much, and why I have this deep need to see the entire world, but I do.
I encourage you to get alone with God and figure out what makes you tick. What do you love so much it hurts?
Now give it to Him. Give your whole heart to Him. This is what is to be a Christian. It’s saying, “I don’t understand all this, God, but I’m giving it you. It’s ok with me if no one understands. If my life looks like a failure to everyone around me. If it looks like nothing is going on. If my dreams appear to be dead, that’s ok God, because I trust you and I KNOW you are GOOD, and you are writing a beautiful story. I’m happy here, because I know I’m in your will. I don’t get it, but you do.”
So I don’t know what God is up to, or why I’m not there, or where my life is going, or how this trip is going to go.
I know I love the nations, I can’t figure out a career besides telling people I love Spanish and the world and oh yeah, I want to have 8 children.
I can’t explain how I know what God is saying, I just know. I invite you to begin a conversation with Him. Especially if you are feeling restless and unhappy. I don’t know what he will tell you. But you should listen. Because you will be in for the ride of your life.
And here’s an example of living your life, doing your thing, and then all of the sudden, bam, everything changes and God changes history and invites you, lowly shepherd, to be on the front row. So when you get an answer from him, don’t be afraid. And when people question you, tell them I AM sent you.:)
Now Moses was tending the flock of Jethro his father-in-law, the priest of Midian, and he led the flock to the far side of the wilderness and came to Horeb,the mountain of God. 2 There the angel of the Lord appeared to him in flames of fire from within a bush. Moses saw that though the bush was on fire it did not burn up. 3 So Moses thought, “I will go over and see this strange sight—why the bush does not burn up.”
4 When the Lord saw that he had gone over to look, God called to him from within the bush, “Moses! Moses!”
And Moses said, “Here I am.”
5 “Do not come any closer,” God said. “Take off your sandals, for the place where you are standing is holy ground.” 6 Then he said, “I am the God of your father, the God of Abraham, the God of Isaac and the God of Jacob.” At this, Moses hid his face, because he was afraid to look at God.
7 The Lord said, “I have indeed seen the misery of my people in Egypt. I have heard them crying out because of their slave drivers, and I am concerned about their suffering. 8 So I have come down to rescue them from the hand of the Egyptians and to bring them up out of that land into a good and spacious land, a land flowing with milk and honey—the home of the Canaanites, Hittites, Amorites, Perizzites, Hivites and Jebusites. 9 And now the cry of the Israelites has reached me, and I have seen the way the Egyptians are oppressing them. 10 So now, go. I am sending you to Pharaoh to bring my people the Israelites out of Egypt.”
11 But Moses said to God, “Who am I that I should go to Pharaoh and bring the Israelites out of Egypt?”
12 And God said, “I will be with you. And this will be the sign to you that it is I who have sent you: When you have brought the people out of Egypt, you will worship God on this mountain.”
13 Moses said to God, “Suppose I go to the Israelites and say to them, ‘The God of your fathers has sent me to you,’ and they ask me, ‘What is his name?’ Then what shall I tell them?”
14 God said to Moses, “I am who I am. This is what you are to say to the Israelites:
15 God also said to Moses, “Say to the Israelites, ‘The Lord, the God of your fathers—the God of Abraham, the God of Isaac and the God of Jacob—has sent me to you.’
“This is my name forever,
the name you shall call me
from generation to generation.
16 “Go, assemble the elders of Israel and say to them, ‘The Lord, the God of your fathers—the God of Abraham, Isaac and Jacob—appeared to me and said: I have watched over you and have seen what has been done to you in Egypt. 17 And I have promised to bring you up out of your misery in Egypt into the land of the Canaanites, Hittites, Amorites, Perizzites, Hivites and Jebusites—a land flowing with milk and honey.’